[.24/7.]

What I've learned since becoming a parent.  Real talk.  Because I hate small talk.

I know that I know nothing in comparison to the grandparents out there that have raised their children.
Having kids is not convenient.
If you want a "more convenient" life, do not have kids.
It is hard.
You don't just get to go out to a concert or out to dinner and enjoy one anothers company.
You get to make sure your child is actually putting food into their mouths instead of accidentally hitting someone in the head with a cup.
What once seemed like a "long 45 minute drive" to your boyfriends house at one point is now a day trip planned around nap time and feedings.  Not to mention you are packing your entire house just to get there.
You literally spend your entire day picking up the house only to find at the end of the day it still is a complete disaster.
You may not get ready for the day. week. month??
Sleep....
You will repeat yourself one thousand times a day. I repeat. one thousand times.

     "Keep your pants on."
     "Sit on your bum."
     "That's hot."
     "Eat your dinner."
     "Take a bite."
     "Keep your pants on."
     "Pick up your blocks."
     "Don't throw that at your brother."
     "We draw on paper."
     "Keep your pants on."
     "Go throw it away."
     "Brother is sleeping so be quiet." (Knocks on his bedroom door)
     "Water stays in the tub."
     "Keep your pants on."
     "Bring me a diaper."
     "Sit on your bum."
     "Bring it to Mom."
     "Go give it to Dad."
     "Keep your pants on."

You see where I'm going.

It is all hard.
Raising kids.
Not just babies and toddlers.
Because then there are other things that come up as they get older.
Talking back and lying.
Teenagers.
Puberty.
Dating.
Sex.
LIFE.

There are hard times and there are good times.  There are miserable trying times and there are unbelievably great times.  THOSE are the things I want to be able to teach my children. To be confident. To laugh at themselves. To learn to love themselves and use their talents. Learn to communicate effectively. Learn how to work together with people to be successful.  See the simplicity in a world that is so NOT simple. I want them to know how great life really can be.
THAT is what will be hard.

and that is what i'm afraid of.

That I won't be able to teach them these things.  or at least that I won't be good at it.

BUT.

I do know
if I do what I feel is right
if I talk openly to them
if I am involved in their lives
if I develop a relationship built around trust
and
if I pay attention
that I will know what to do and how to do it.

This stage right now?
Having two tiny humans to take care of
to feed
to help learn to walk
to help color
to chase
to clean up after

It is hard.  It is draining. It is exhausting and it is demanding.

But those two babies are my world to me and I love them with everything that I have.

[.be brave little one.]

So I haven't been a complete slacker (although it seems like it) because I do have these updates of Clayton!

I can't believe how much he's changed and how fast he's growing up!

He started army crawling this morning instead of scooting everywhere.

[.a day in the life.]

Just excuse me while I ramble for a minute.
I feel like our every day is pretty routine for the most part.  We do different things here and there, but really, my day consists of feeding babies, changing babies, playing with toys, cleaning up non-stop after Kailee and enjoying some "me time" once the kids are asleep.

Laundry gets thrown in the wash and if I'm lucky gets thrown in the dryer the same day, let alone gets folded!

I'm trying to be better.  I'm very much a "lists" person, so I've created myself a schedule to somewhat base my days off of.

Speaking of which, I should be doing laundry right now ;)

Like I said, working on it!

Writing just seemed like much more fun!

Before Clayton was born I'd try and take Kailee somewhere different each day after breakfast, before her nap.

Usually it would be the duck park, the splash pad, story time at the library, things like that.

Now that I'm trying to get Clayton on a somewhat decent sleeping schedule he's usually napping during that time.  At least that is what I'm aiming for.  Sometimes he likes to take about six small cat naps a day, I'm trying to change that.  So while he's napping in the morning I'll try and have my time with Kailee.  Sometimes that means she comes out in the garage and "helps" me workout, sometimes we have dance parties, sometimes we go outside and water the flowers, or maybe I get ready for the day if I feel like it;)

Haha.  What does that even mean anymore, get ready?

One day. One day.

I used to get so mad at Lance for sleeping in the mornings because I felt like he wasn't helping.  I had a couple breakdowns the first month Clayton was born.  Now I feel like I'm sort of getting the hang of it, 4 months later...

I now just let Lance sleep.  I'd rather deal with a fussy baby than a fussy husband.

Not saying he is worthless and pathetic by any means, although I've said it in my head a few times.  I sincerely and genuinely appreciate Lance for everything he does for our family.  He works his tail off so I CAN be home with our babies and I'm trying my best to make it good for him to.  I've got to admit, I've been a pretty crappy wife.  He has home cooked meals to take to work and clean clothes (sometimes;]) to wear.  They may just be sitting in the laundry basket unfolded, but hey, they're clean!  But other things I could definitely work on!

I feel like I've been so focused on being a mom that I completely forgot how to be a wife.

I feel like he has capabilities of living on his own, he'll be fine.  But these two munchkins of ours?  They wouldn't survive a day without me taking care of their every need.

I know I'm just rambling but when people tell you that your life is forever changed after kids, well, damn it, it's the truth!

Your life REVOLVES around them.

What you do and don't do is completely different to the life you knew.

But I love this life of mine!

Yeah there are moments I could rip my hair out from not sleeping a solid night in the last two years.

There are times both children decide it is completely necessary to scream in unison.

There are more than enough times Lance has come home from work and the dishes are piled in the sink, the floor is disgusting, the living room in a mess and I just say screw it.

There are times I've been frustrated because all I want is to just watch The Bachelor and not worry about a single thing, because even when I do watch The Bachelor, I'm thinking about everything else that needs to be done.

There are times I'm singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star in the shower.

There are times I get to go to the park and watch my babies enjoy the smallest things in life.

There are times I wonder how it is even possible for my tiny heart to be so full of love.

There are times I get teary-eyed just thinking of how lucky I am to be such an incapable mom to such beautiful loving babies.

I believe our Heavenly Father gives us moms just a little more "super-power" with each child.

When I was training clients I would always tell them that it doesn't get easier you just get stronger.  That saying now has a complete different meaning to me.

Well I think I've got another 30 minutes of sleeping babies, maybe I'll go work on that laundry;)

[.all the signs.]

Here is another post I started while living at Lance's parents... I will add on to where I left off!

October 8th 2013
Since Kailee is napping, I should probably be doing the same thing.  All I want is to sleep right now but all these thoughts are running through my mind.

First of all, there were a bunch of signs that I kept justifying in my mind up at deer hunt.

* I felt a little sick - probably because of all the junk I've been eating...
* My boobs are killing me - probably because I've started pumping every two hours again...
* I'm cramping - I'm almost done with my pills for this month...
* What the heck, I want alfredo pasta, not my usual chicken and veggies? - Something seems weird, there's no way!
* There another red dot on my stomach - can this be real??

The morning after we got home I went to the store to buy Kailee some teething medicine.

On the way to checkout I decided to buy a pregnancy test because I just KNEW I had to be pregnant.

Getting into the car I thought to myself...

There's no way...

Why did I just waste 5 bucks...

No, I KNOW I am...

Nah...

Maybe...

Why would I feel this way...

Nah...

I'll wait til Lance's birthday to tell him.  That would be a crazy surprise...

No way...

I pulled into the drive way and went straight for the bathroom.  Before I was even done peeing a little blue line appeared.  I seriously started shaking.  I ran downstairs yelling Lance's name.  I stood in the room, still shaking, showing him the test as he was waking up.

Him: "How did that happen?"
Me: "I'm pretty sure we know how this happens!"
Him: "Don't be scared, it's okay, you can be happy."
Me: "A year and a half apart!"
Him: "Diapers at the same time!"
Me: "Yipee..."

I have an amazing husband.

I'm still not sure it is real.  I have looked at the test every morning since.  After throwing up the last two days it now seems more real, but still, not really.

It is incredibly hard to not say anything living at Lance's parents, let alone hide that I feel like crap and want to sleep all day long.

I'm not sure how far along I am but I have my first appointment a week from today.

Not sure if I just have conversations like this all the time or what but in the last week I've had to hold my tongue three times.

"There is NO way I could have another kid right now" 
as I sit there,
"Uh..yeah!  Me either" :/

-----------------------------------------------------
Today is now August 27, 2014.
Clayton is almost 4 months old at this point.

When we decided to tell people we bought Kailee a onesie that said "Big Sister" on it.

We went up to Randy and Jenny's house in Richmond for Halloween. Everyone was busy running around getting things ready for the party.  I felt bad because I did not feel good and wanted to help but really all I felt like doing was sitting so I wouldn't throw up.  I knew no one would really notice because they were all occupied.  If we were sitting around the living room doing nothing it would have been a different story.  Matt and Tori showed up a little later in the evening.  No one had noticed her shirt  yet. I caught glance at Tori and noticed that she saw Kailee's shirt.  She looked at me and said, "Is that for real?"  Or something like that.  This is why I should have been blogging the last year!  Because Tori's reaction is the only one I actually remember!  Here were some bump shots during my pregnancy with Clayton.

12 weeks

16.5 weeks

20 weeks 

Kissing his bicep ;)

32 weeks

36 weeks (Friday, May 2, 2014)

Friday night I went to Target to buy Lance and I a new comforter for our anniversary.  We actually had wanted to go to Alaska for our 5th anniversary and go deep sea fishing.  Instead, we bought a new home and had our second child ;)

I remember checking out and the cashier reminded me a lot of my brother Isaac.  He said when he was finished with his shift he was going to go home, eat a butt load of food, and go to bed.  I remember thinking, shoot, I'm going to do the EXACT same thing! Ha.  Little did I know.

I got home from Target about 9:15.

Side note* During this whole pregnancy it was hard to workout because I would contract every single time I added any weight whatsoever to an exercise.  Heck, I would contract even without exercise.  Just going up the stairs would give me contractions. So any time I had contractions it seemed normal. End side note.

I went downstairs, put our new comforter on our bed and went to watch a movie with Lance.  Got in bed about eleven o'clock.  I remember looking at my phone at 11:08 when I decided to roll over and go to bed.

I was rudely interrupted at 11:45 with a contraction from hell!  Rolled over, woke up Lance and told him that I just had a crazy contraction, we thought nothing of it. 11:55 pm, another contraction from hell.

Okay something was going on, I did not feel good and I knew I was in Labor.  I turned to Lance again to tell him I thought that "this was it!"

He said, "You really think so?  You've only had two contractions!"

"Yes, I KNOW so! Call Kevin RIGHT NOW!"

Jake and Jenna were our Plan A, but they were in Provo.

Lance's parents were our Plan B, but I knew I needed to be at the hospital IMMEDIATELY!  Given the fact that I had Kailee within an hour of being at the hospital.

So we made up a Plan C.

Call Kevin and have him watch Kailee.

We got off the phone with him and were going to get the Pack-n-Play and take Kailee to Kevins house (3 minutes away).

12:04 another contraction and I was holding myself up against the wall in our closet shaking immensely.

I told Lance, "Call Kevin again right now and tell him to get here now, we don't have time to get everything to take to his house!"

I'm pretty sure on top of the insane contractions less than ten minutes apart, I was also having a panic attack.  Which I have never experienced before.  I was shaking.  I felt like I was having the baby right now and I wasn't even at the hospital, hence the panic attack.  Kevin got to our house about 12:15 and Lance and I were on our way to the hospital.  By the time we arrived at the hospital my contractions were every 3 minutes.

Next time, if there is one, I will be telling the people at the hospital to skip all the stupid questions, get me in my gown, give me the *@$%!#* epidural and talk to my husband! ;)

I'm only slightly kidding.

By the time they checked me I was dilated to 6.5 centimeters.  With Kailee I was an 8 so I thought at 6.5 I would at least have some hope with the epidural.

They gave me the epidural.  I thought that meant that I would immediately stop feeling pain. Nope!  They told me it would take about 15 to 20 minutes.  Really, not that long in perspective.  Except when you are contracting every 90 seconds.  With every contraction I thought to myself, COME ON!! PLEASE STOP HURTING!

Apparently I have a "meditation-like" groan with every contraction.  It was the only way to push through each contraction.

I remember telling the doctor that I felt like I needed to lift my legs. See, I still had feeling 2 minutes before he was born.  The doctor told me that I was ready to push, but I still felt each contraction so I made up every excuse as to why I couldn't push.  She told me that instead of pushing she would just check me.  For some reason that made me feel better?? Who knows why!  She said I was a 10+ and needed to push!  My OB walked in the door, literally ten seconds later my water broke.  One push away and my little man was born!  Yup! Felt everything!  The epidural finally kicked in for all the gruesome details!  Thank goodness!  That was the absolute worst part with Kailee!

Clayton Lance Fischer

May 3, 2014

2:35 am

5 lbs 12 oz

19 inches

We had been awake for over 37 hours at this point!

On our way home!

I seriously never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love Kailee but I now have my favorite baby girl and my favorite little guy!

{.living with Nanny and Papa.}

Bear with me on this one.  I'm going to consolidate our 9 months with Lance's parents into one big post :)

About 4 1/2 months old she found her feet.  I'm pretty sure she was even sticking them in her mouth at this point too!

For Kailee's first Fourth of July we went to Bear Lake with Lance's family.  When we got back we spent some time at Kevin's house so Kailee could watch the fireworks!  She wouldn't take her eyes off of them!

Our first camping trip as a family was up Jebo Creek at Logan Canyon.  Camping with a baby really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  She still wasn't sleeping through the night so it's not like I would have known if she did good or not ;)

This poor girl couldn't even breathe she was so stuffed up but she was still happy as long as she was snuggling in the bed with us!  She was sitting up by herself at 5 months old :)

I'm pretty sure one of her absolute favorite foods was beets.  Anytime she ate she would be very vocally say, "nom nom nom" but anytime beets were involved, she was very loud!

Before Kailee I would always take Rudy up running in the mountains.  I don't know if it was just because I had Kailee, because we were at Lance's parents or just sheer laziness that I stopped taking him.  One day we rode Nate Christensen's go-cart.  I don't think Rudy missed running much.  He was passed out after this!

Thank goodness we had Nanny toys to play with while we lived there.  I'm pretty sure half of them are now missing somewhere but we were still grateful nonetheless :)

When Kailee was six months old we took her on her first trip to the Tetons and Jackson Hole.

This day I took Kailee to the Zoo with Jenny, Kamie and Myrna. She wasn't extremely interested, but it was still fun to go and "get out" with the girls!

Even after two different camping trips, we spent ONE night up in East Canyon at my Grandma's condos.  I knew packing with a baby was a lot of work but even just for one night you still have to pack everything you would as if you were gone for seven days. She still needs a place to sleep, blankets, binkies and food :)

This was one of the first times Kailee actually sat in her bouncer to watch a show.  It lasted about 5 minutes, but it was on a day I wasn't feeling good and that 5 minutes felt great!

Going to get our Christmas Tree for her first Christmas! She did really good!

A lot of our time spent at Nanny and Papa's was spent sitting in the front room playing with Kailee.  I knew we would be having another baby soon and I didn't want to waste one second missing her grow up!

I always hated leaving her on the days I had to work! Even though sometimes it was only a couple hours, I still thought about her every chance I got!

We learned that one of her favorite things to eat is an entire can of mandarine oranges.  She can eat a whole can in a matter of minutes.

At one point she had an obsession with coming after my toes and trying to eat them!

Nap time was definitely successful this day :)

Learning at an early age to share with her puppy.  She still does it and thinks it is hilarious!

Honestly, I took this picture of her because I actually got her ready and she wasn't wearing pajamas!

Her first time walking to me! 11 months old :)

She wasn't sure about her first taste of a cookie, but I'm pretty sure she loved it!

The moment I realized I was in trouble.  She could start opening doors. 

She absolutely loved watching her Daddy and Papa snow blow the drive way!

My baby girl turned ONE! How did I live my life any different before her??  Oh yeah, life full of sleep and freedom ;)

We got her a four wheeler for her birthday!  She still drives it around the driveway!  At least now she knows how to steer!

Entertainment in its simplest form!  A box and crayons!

These two are going to be best friends!

Another favorite, spinach cubes :)

Extremely grateful this girl likes brushing her teeth!

We would go for "walks" along the sidewalk.  Every time we did, I would always wonder what she's thinking or what the world is like for her.

I cold turkey-ed her into one nap a day. Just by putting her in the crib and letting her talk herself to sleep.  When she was quite, I knew she was asleep and I would go in and peek on her. She always slept in interesting positions.

We are SO grateful that we were able to stay with Lance's parents while looking for our first home.  Grateful to them for putting up with us and my constant need for food ;)
I will keep catching up as much as I can!  As for now, Clayton is waking up and Kailee has now been awake in her crib for the last 15 minutes so I could finish posting!